Author’s note
“Oh only for so short a while
you have loaned us to each other,
because we take form in your act of drawing us,
and we take life in your painting us
And we breathe in your singing us,
But only for so short a while
have you loaned us to each other.”
Ancient Aztec Indian Prayer
On March 27, 2001, our lives were changed completely by Collin’s completion of his suicide. As we navigate our changed lives, I felt the need to communicate with Collin. At first, it was experiences I would have shared with him if he walked into the kitchen after work. Later, I felt the need to share about the lives of his family who were walking through their own grief and trying to make sense of their lives.
Another impetus for the book was the number of paintings in water color that Collin had painted. He rarely shared an of his work yet when he died on his easel was the picture we refer to as “the Blue Jesus” and painted on the other side was “Peter, Paul and Mary that appears in the book. Watercolor had become Collin’s medium of choice and many of his paintings evoked relational responses to those who saw them.
My letters cover the gamut of emotions that one feels when they lose a child to suicide. These letters also speak to the power of healing and love that becomes the lessons we experience on our journey. Another revelation in this process has been the element of forgiveness. Forgiveness has become a continuous theme in our new lives. Forgiving Collin for leaving us and for not sharing the bleakness of his depression. Forgiving ourselves for what we did or didn’t so. Forgiving ourselves because there were really no answers . Forgiving ourselves for not being able to change Collin’s destiny. Finally finding that when forgiveness comes it brings with it the moment of redemption.
So my hope in sharing this book is to help each of us, begin each day willing to give our best to each person we meet and to continue to put on love since love is all that matters….
Dimensio